Posts Tagged ‘Submission’

I’ve been tossing around thoughts on this subject for a day or two now. The subject being what I want and what I need, regarding domination and sadism. For years my needs and wants were entwined and blurred with the wants and needs of my man. Ours blended so well, it was rare we ran into any conflicts in regard to what role it played in our lives and the level of power exchanged, so to speak.

So, now that I’m single, I find myself explaining, repeatedly, why I don’t think I am compatible with this person or that person. More often than not, when I am getting to know someone new, I find little clues along the way that tell me he wants things I do not.

The responses I get in return often make me laugh. Sometimes I’m told I can be trained. Sometimes I’m told I am not a real submissive. Sometimes the person I am talking to barely acts as if I’ve said anything at all. Almost like if he pretends he didn’t hear me it won’t be true. All of it seems to be behavior borne of taking what I’ve said personally. As if me wanting different things than he does means somehow I am saying what he wants is wrong. Perhaps my delivery is harsh, although I make great efforts to be nice and tactful and polite.

I don’t think I’m out of line here. One of the most common problems I see with couples involved with BDSM is the submissive striving to conform to the mold of what her dominant wants. I don’t mean simply trying to please him, but a complete abandonment of who she is and what she wants in an effort to turn herself into his idea of the perfect girl (or her idea of the perfect boy, or her idea of the perfect girl and any variation thereof…you get the picture? )

It just seems if people took more time to find out what they want on both sides and understood that if they wanted different things that was ok, they could go find someone who wanted the same thing they did, rather than deluding themselves into thinking all they needed was to be just what their man wanted.

For example: I know someone who voiced often that she was not and did not want to be a slave. Then, she met a guy who wanted a slave. She wanted to be with said guy, so she became his slave. It wasn’t what she wanted or needed, but she told herself, and me, that it was what she’d needed all along. *insert eye roll here* It was a short-lived and disastrous situation with the end result being….yep, you guessed it….she didn’t want or need, nor was she capable of putting up with being treated as, a slave.

Ok, let me stop and go back. I’ve gotten off track from what I wanted to talk about. What do I want and what level of control do I need to be satisfied. With the man, there were always places I was willing to go, or try to go, to make him happy, even when I didn’t need to for myself. And only once did he ask me to go someplace I could not. I tried and it didn’t work, but I learned from that situation that trying when you knowit’s absolutely notsomething you want any part of can be worse than just telling him no from the start. If I had known myself better at the time, I would have said “I can’t do this, don’t make me try.”

I came away from that situation with the understanding that knowing myself and what I cannot do and do not want is paramount to beginning any relationship. But what I’ve realized recently is I’ve given very little thought beyond what I don’t want. What about what I do want? What exactly do I want?

So now that I am getting to know new men and really finding most falling into that “what I don’t want category”. I am beginning to think I am looking in the wrong place. Maybe what I am looking for has nothing to do with the BDSM community or protocols or labels and all the rest of it…actually, I am pretty sure it does have nothing to do with any of that… Maybe what I am looking for is more about just a sort of person with a certain personality and the ability to put up with and enjoy a woman who has a seriously kinky side and a constant need to analyze it to death! heh.

I did spend a couple months sort of browsing in the vanilla world and oh my word, I was seriously bored to tears. I feel like I am stuck in this unidentified, vague place in between the worlds of kink and nilla. The question is, is there anyone here with me?