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The Collar of Protection aka “I’m under the protection of Sir Domly Master X, please contact him if you have issues or wish to speak with me.”

I don’t get it. I try, I really do, but I do not see any legitimate reason for a submissive to wear a so-called protection collar. I say legitimate because whenever I have discussed it with people who wear or issue them, I often get the standard spiel about predators and victimization.

Um. Sure. I completely agree there are predatory type people zoning in on the new and the clueless, looking to sink his or her claws into the next victim.

But that can be said of any social or dating situation. If vanilla folk don’t seem to need special guides or body guards to help navigate their own dating lives, why should we?

Cuz we like the drama, that’s why. Oh yes, we do. Submissive folks love attention, and of course we often like to belong to someone. Some of us like to leap before we look and end up in bad, often dangerous situations.

Victims.

Often, said victims thrive on victimization. They get off on the drama that ensues. They get off on other dominant types coming to their defense, people taking sides, all the hullabaloo over little ole subbie girl who got abused when she didn’t want it.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying abuse isn’t serious or that being a victim of abuse isn’t a legitimately shitty thing to be. But don’t expect sympathy from me when it becomes obvious you plan to milk your victim status for all it’s worth. I’m not saying this is the case all the time or even most of the time. I couldn’t speak to statistics. But situationally, this happens, it’s common.

My problem with is this: you are an adult. You should be capable of taking care of yourself, standing up for yourself and saying no when you don’t want something.

And you should be getting to know someone and negotiating boundaries before setting yourself up to hand over power over you and your body You should know someone well enough beforehand to predict with accuracy that if you say no, it will be respected.

It is your responsibility to protect yourself. If you haven’t done these things then don’t come crying to me about getting hurt.

You cannot get upset one week after you got spanked because you never said it he could spank you. Even tho you made it clear you like spankings and when he did it, you giggled.

You cannot get upset if you tell someone you have no limits, don’t need a safeword and he can do whatever he wants to you and then he beats you black and blue. Especially when he says before hand that he plans to beat you black and blue.

You cannot get upset if you meet up with a stranger in a hotel room and he pulls a gun on you and fucks you with it even tho you say no.

Because you’ve put yourself in an unsafe situation where becoming a victim is not just possible, it’s LIKELY. It was foreseeable and predictable and you ignored the risk. Or welcomed it. Either way, you don’t get to play victim when you handed yourself over to a stranger and said “do what you want.”

BDSM is not an excuse to get someone else to act as your parent so you don’t have to grow up and take responsibility for your own well being.

BDSM is not an excuse to set yourself up as a victim so everyone will rush to your defense and fawn over poor you and vilify whoever spanked you without justification.

You have to look out for yourself and you cannot assume you are safe with someone you’ve known for 3 hours or even three days. You really can’t even assume you are safe with someone who has been approved to play with you by your protection collar holder.

A protection collar is nothing more than an excuse for not taking care of yourself. It’s an excuse for shrugging off responsibility for your own well being and it does nothing to encourage or teach you to take up that responsibility.

You have to pay attention and take responsibility for getting involved with people who will hurt you. Be a grown up. Ask around. Watch for signs that your wants and needs and limits will not be respected.

And when you see them, walk the fuck away. Do not hide behind a protection collar, do not call in the cavalry to save you and put on a big dramatic show.

Seriously, if you are going to play on the big kids playground, man up and protect yourself instead depending upon others for it. Either that or stay in the little kid’s sandbox until you are ready to act like an adult.

1. 

   CarrieAnn

   November 4, 2009 at 1:38 pm

   I fucking love you, man.
   CarrieAnn´s last blog ..Hera
2. 

   Laurel

   November 4, 2009 at 1:50 pm

   I love you tooooo! XOXO
3. 

   Rockin' With a Cock in

   November 4, 2009 at 11:35 pm

   I like almost all of this post except this line, “You cannot get upset if you meet up with a stranger in a hotel room and he pulls a gun on you and fucks you with it even tho you say no.” That kind of rubs me the wrong way even though I know what you mean. If you knowingly meet a stranger in a secluded place, that’s a bad decision. But if someone attacks you, I think it’s okay to be upset. Making a bad decision and then getting attacked doesn’t relieve any blame from the attacker or place blame on the victim. Yes, the situation was dumb, but an attacker had to be there for the attack to happen.

   Anyway, other than that, nice post. I completely agree with taking responsibility for yourself and not just offing it to someone else. Nice post.
   Rockin’ With a Cock in´s last blog ..Finally…some fucking
4. 

   Laurel

   November 6, 2009 at 8:45 am

   I get what you are saying. I do. It was not my intention to defend the actions of the attacker in the third senario at all.

   In an ideal world, when a person says no, it would be respected each and every time. But we don’t live in that world. This situation was a real situation that a friend of mine put herself in with a man who she knew to be a dominant sadist. She agreed to meet someone for the first time in a private hotel room knowing he was someone who enjoyed hurting people and knowing little else.

   He had no right to do as he did. But she handed herself to him on a silver platter. The risk of getting hurt was likely and foreseeable in those circumstances. She could have made choices that would have prevented the situation and she chose to knowingly put herself in danger.
5. 

   DrgnSlayr

   February 22, 2010 at 11:59 am

   I agree with 90% of what you say, especially the parts about responsibility for one’s self….still, I see it as a chance to help a newbie who is serious about learning the ways of our world, but who needs a chance to get her feet under her. She herself just escaped from an abusive relationship….which was described by the abuser as “Dom/sub”, so this girl has no idea which way is up or what is appropriate behavior in BDSM, only that it excites her.

   To someone coming in from a vanilla world, some of these things that you and I take for granted just aren’t as intuitive to someone who has no idea what is appropriate. Ideally, she will spend some time under our (mine and my wife’s) wing in a protective relationship (not necessarily a sexual one) until she is able to figure things out for herself; basically giving her time to heal and figure out for sure who she is. Her objectives have mostly everything to do with learning about BDSM, setting and enforcing boundaries for herself, and learning how to play safely while having fun. Personal responsibility is a big part of what she is learning because it is fairly apparent that her mama didn’t bother telling her about it before. Of course she is 100% responsible for herself…unfortunately kids aren’t taught that these days, and as long as she is willing to learn, we are willing to teach.

   This also allows a mentoring-type relationship without the commitment that comes from a collar of consideration while offering her some level of protection from her abusive ex-BF. The word has gotten out that she has several fairly large, and angry Dom-types (along with half the local subs) who will defend her if he tries to get close to her again. That kind of support alone will go a long way toward helping her break away and find her own path.